Out with the old...

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2010. At first I had considered summarizing the year--the good, the bad, the feelings, all that nonsense--but instead I thought I'd simply share a song that articulates the turning of yet another calendar page.



Best wishes for a brand new decade and a fresh start. I know I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Happy New Year.

News

I have always said that no news is good news, and I stand by that claim. So while I'm trying to come from a positive place with this blog, today I'm struggling a bit. It has been a particularly rough day, on the heels of a bumpy couple of weeks.

For nearly a month, I have felt pretty worn down. At first I thought I was coming down with something--a cold or the flu, but nothing ever really kicked in. Until the dizziness. For nearly 3 weeks I have had increasing levels of dizziness throughout my waking hours, accompanied more recently by something that feels like motion sickness. Today, for example, my one trip out of the house (grocery store) nearly made me vomit. The dizziness and motion sickness are also causing some more issues with my vision--at times it's tough to focus on objects, and my left-side peripheral vision is a big ol' mess.

I had been waiting until after my holiday travels to contact DSO, thinking that perhaps if I ignored it, the dizziness would go away. Unfortunately, that has not yet happened. So last night I sent DSO an email, and am now scheduled to see him on Monday. In the meantime I'm a little scared and frustrated, and am hoping my visit with him will bring clarity and a little relief. Fears of more (expensive) tests, failed treatments, new chinks in my armor of invincibility, and questions about if/when this dizziness will go away are floating around in my unsettled head.

So this probably seems like a pretty gloomy post, but I am guardedly optimistic that it is just a speed bump in my journey. I keep reminding myself that I was diagnosed with relapsing and remitting MS, and hopefully it is only a matter of time until this relapse swings back into remission. Or, maybe I'm totally off my rocker and this dizziness is all in my head (no pun intended), or there is some other medical explanation for the dizziness.

While allowing myself to have a pity party today, I watched a movie that I accidentally ordered from Netflix (it sneaked up to the top of my queue when I wasn't paying attention). Crazy Sexy Cancer is a documentary written by a thirty-something woman who was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer, and it documents her journey to find proper medical care and treatment for her disease. Along the way, she learns some amazing things about herself, and some serendipitous and wonderful things happen to her--none of which would have transpired without her diagnosis.

I hope for some similarly serindipitous experiences and personal growth. I have some very specific goals for 2010, goals that I have been working toward for a couple of years now (since well before being diagnosed with MS). I want to continue moving toward these goals with the mindset that the challenge of my new symptoms will only serve to make attaining my goal that much sweeter. Because that is what I want my story to be.

And in the meantime, I am challenging myself to maintain a positive attitude and a sense of humor--tomorrow is a new day, and I can start it with a renewed and refreshed mindset. My little brother gave me a Christmas gift that will help see to that (the bit about the sense of humor, anyway).

Giving Thanks

Greetings from a cozy little coffee shop in Ames, Iowa!

I'm on a field trip from the farm, where I'm fixing to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, and wanted to touch base with the blogosphere about some thoughts I've been having about giving thanks.

Of course I'm thankful for hundreds of things--I have a great family, and a network of fantastic friends, a job in a difficult economy, and a roof over my head.

But truth be told, it was sort of a bummer getting diagnosed with MS this year, and there have been a few times where I let myself dwell on the implications of that diagnosis. But at the same time, it has also helped me realize that today, I'm in a pretty freakin' good place. I'm heading into the winter season with lots of soccer, a newly renewed gym membership, and a brand new pair of snowshoes.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my family and friends understand why I have been filling so much of my schedule with physical activity of late, but the truth of the matter is this: Today, I can. And I honestly and realistically don't know if I'll be able to say that tomorrow. So even though it's expensive, and at times conflicts with some other fun activities, it is good for me. And it reminds me that my diagnosis with MS does not mean I have to change my lifestyle--at least not today. And for that I think I'm pretty damn lucky.

So from someone who has a tremendous amount to be thankful for, I send you my very best wishes for a safe and happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you all have much to be thankful for this year as well.

The Night Before New York

Tomorrow marks my first airline travel since starting the Copaxone--the last of the travel tests with my injections. I have my travel kit prepared... ice block frozen, meds in their case, doctor's note in the pocket. I'm resigning myself to the fact that--despite my phenomenal packing and organization skills--I might just be that jackhole who takes hours to get through security. Oh well, I suppose it's worth it--I'm going to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and lovely niece in New York. The weekend promises to be fun-filled and busy, as some of our relatives from Norway will be visiting the big apple at the same time, as will a good friend of my brother's and mine from back here in Minneapolis.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to getting away--a break from work, a break from the dogs, and mostly a reminder that I survived a long and dreary October (I think it rained almost every single day). November is going to kick some ass, and I can't think of a better place to officially usher it in.

Check back next week for a delightful photographic recap of the long weekend.

Yikes Jeepers, That's no Fun!

Soooooo… have you ever seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (or House or ER or Mercy any other medical drama for that matter) where someone gets whisked into the emergency room with heart problems, the doctors crack the chest, and then ultimately massage the heart with their hands?

I have a feeling that Copaxone transformed into an overeager intern upon entering my bloodstream yesterday. I popped the shot into my arm just like any other Monday, leaned on the counter while applying pressure (a little more bleeding than usual), and BAM! The Copaxone hitched a ride in some major vein right to my heart and grabbed on for dear life, gripping, twisting, and wringing all the while. My chest tightened, my body lurched with nausea, pain exploded in white hot spurts through nerves up and down my back, I became cold and clammy, and an overwhelming sense of anxiety took hold. I made my way from the kitchen toward the bedroom, giving pause at the bathroom door to determine whether not a good vomit session was in order. The bedroom won out, and I curled up with my eyes closed for a few minutes, trying to think about squishy little puppy dogs, warm sunshine, fuzzy sweaters and other soft and happy things.

And then, as quickly as it came on, the ambitious little drug released its grip and my body flowed right back to a normal state.

Methinks I experienced my first side effect.*

*From copaxone.com: Some patients report a short-term reaction right after injecting COPAXONE®. This reaction can involve flushing (feeling of warmth and/or redness), chest tightness or pain with heart palpitations, anxiety, and trouble breathing. These symptoms generally appear within minutes of an injection, last about 15 minutes, and go away by themselves without further problems.

Looking Back

In a few hours I'll be 35. Old enough to legally run for president. Old enough for one of my soccer teammates to say, in awe, "I just hope I am still playing soccer when I get to be 35." Old enough to escape the "we card anyone who appears to be younger than 35" clause (yay--no need to carry that cumbersome identification around anymore!). Yes. That is how old I will be.

But before the calendar page flips that unflappable flip, I thought I'd take a quick moment to reflect on the last 12 months. In retrospect, there were a few days that I'm glad are behind me. Really glad. Really, really glad.

But there were also a lot of days I wouldn't give back for anything--and they certainly outweigh the bad ones.

A couple of years ago, I turned 33. I couldn't wait for that year to begin, because I had this feeling--confidence, really--that things were just getting started, and that I was heading in a really good direction. And despite a ridiculous amount of medical testing (and the rather giant costs associated with it), despite a diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis, and despite a pretty lame break-up days before my birthday, I think things have continued in that direction throughout 34. Because the one thing that came out of all of this rollercoaster year was this: I have a whole new perspective that I never would have gained if my year were status quo.

So, 35, what do you have in store?

I can't wait to find out.

I did it. So there's that...

The talk of the town in Minneapolis this past weekend has been sports. Sports sports sports sports sports. Huge football rivalry on Saturday--U of M vs. Madison. Huge Twins game on Saturday, which resulted in a victory and a tie-breaking follow-up game on Tuesday (go Twins!). Vikings (with Favre) vs. the Packers (HUGE rivals, with or without Favre on the roster) on Monday. And nearest and dearest to my heart--the Twin Cities Marathon and 10-mile Race on Sunday.

A few months ago I decided with a few friends to sign up for the 10-mile race on a whim (it's a tough race to get into, based on a lottery drawing). Much to our surprise, we got in! Over the course of time leading up to the race, I didn't train as well as I would have liked to--the circumstances of my strategy and approach on race day were different than I had been preparing for. But despite any shortcomings in my training, the race was great. The weather was as good as we could have asked for, and my friends and I were all pleased with our results. And on the plus side, it was a great opportunity to get a snapshot to send my adorable niece for her first birthday--which was also on race day.



As if the race weren't enough excitement for one day, I had a 90-minute soccer game that evening. I'm proud to report that I played, and we won. At least I think we won. Or else we tied... at any rate, we didn't lose.

The rest of the events of last Sunday were anything but fun, and honestly they're not topics I'm comfortable with addressing in this blog. The combination of activity and events of Sunday were wholly exhausting--physically and emotionally--and it is not a day I would care to repeat any time soon.

But I finished the race with a respectable time, I made it through the lousy events, and I stuck it out to finish the day at the soccer game--so all in all I'm keeping it on my list of days I can be proud of. Ain't nobody takin' that away from me.