Thursday, December 31, 2009

Out with the old...

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2010. At first I had considered summarizing the year--the good, the bad, the feelings, all that nonsense--but instead I thought I'd simply share a song that articulates the turning of yet another calendar page.

Best wishes for a brand new decade and a fresh start. I know I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I have always said that no news is good news, and I stand by that claim. So while I'm trying to come from a positive place with this blog, today I'm struggling a bit. It has been a particularly rough day, on the heels of a bumpy couple of weeks.

For nearly a month, I have felt pretty worn down. At first I thought I was coming down with something--a cold or the flu, but nothing ever really kicked in. Until the dizziness. For nearly 3 weeks I have had increasing levels of dizziness throughout my waking hours, accompanied more recently by something that feels like motion sickness. Today, for example, my one trip out of the house (grocery store) nearly made me vomit. The dizziness and motion sickness are also causing some more issues with my vision--at times it's tough to focus on objects, and my left-side peripheral vision is a big ol' mess.

I had been waiting until after my holiday travels to contact DSO, thinking that perhaps if I ignored it, the dizziness would go away. Unfortunately, that has not yet happened. So last night I sent DSO an email, and am now scheduled to see him on Monday. In the meantime I'm a little scared and frustrated, and am hoping my visit with him will bring clarity and a little relief. Fears of more (expensive) tests, failed treatments, new chinks in my armor of invincibility, and questions about if/when this dizziness will go away are floating around in my unsettled head.

So this probably seems like a pretty gloomy post, but I am guardedly optimistic that it is just a speed bump in my journey. I keep reminding myself that I was diagnosed with relapsing and remitting MS, and hopefully it is only a matter of time until this relapse swings back into remission. Or, maybe I'm totally off my rocker and this dizziness is all in my head (no pun intended), or there is some other medical explanation for the dizziness.

While allowing myself to have a pity party today, I watched a movie that I accidentally ordered from Netflix (it sneaked up to the top of my queue when I wasn't paying attention). Crazy Sexy Cancer is a documentary written by a thirty-something woman who was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer, and it documents her journey to find proper medical care and treatment for her disease. Along the way, she learns some amazing things about herself, and some serendipitous and wonderful things happen to her--none of which would have transpired without her diagnosis.

I hope for some similarly serindipitous experiences and personal growth. I have some very specific goals for 2010, goals that I have been working toward for a couple of years now (since well before being diagnosed with MS). I want to continue moving toward these goals with the mindset that the challenge of my new symptoms will only serve to make attaining my goal that much sweeter. Because that is what I want my story to be.

And in the meantime, I am challenging myself to maintain a positive attitude and a sense of humor--tomorrow is a new day, and I can start it with a renewed and refreshed mindset. My little brother gave me a Christmas gift that will help see to that (the bit about the sense of humor, anyway).